Take Your Time (Fate and Circumstance #2) Page 18

  “Why are you crying?” he asked softly.

  “My mom died, Bentley,” I cried, squeezing my eyes shut even tighter. “I want there to be a reason for it. I want there to be some purpose to losing her. I don’t want circumstance or any other bullshit.”

  He pulled me closer to him, cradling my head to his chest. “There’s a reason out there somewhere. I’m sure of it.”

  I wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing my ear over his heart. The easy, rhythmic beats lulled me into a calm state, enough to ease my sobs. “What good could possibly come out of her dying?”

  “That’s what you have to wait to find out.”

  His fingers along my back soothed me, even though my anxiety had me wanting to crawl out of my skin. “I just want answers. I want to know what I’m doing. What are we doing, Bentley? I know nothing about you, yet you’re here. You’re the only one here for me, and you’re practically a stranger to me.”

  “What do you want to know? All you have to do is ask.”

  I pulled back, noticing the uneasiness in his eyes. He was hiding something, but I had no idea what it could be. “Have we met before?”

  His eyelids lowered slightly as he took my hand in his. “No, Sarah. I’d never met you before that night at the bar.”

  “Why did you come here? Not my house, not tonight. But in October, why did you come stay with Luke?” I pressed, feeling as if there was more to that answer than what he’d given me, needing to have everything out in the open no matter how hard or painful the truth might be.

  “I was dealing with a lot. I had a broken heart, and I needed to be here to heal it.” His thumb caressed my hand gently, his voice strong yet easy. Nothing about this man made any sense, and I began to wonder if he spoke in riddles on purpose.

  “So why wait so long before going back home?”

  “I needed to be here. I needed the support system from Luke, and he needed support from me. He was devastated after he bought that house for your sister, and then she married her husband anyway. It was always supposed to be temporary, and I never thought I’d be here this long. I thought I would’ve been gone before the beginning of the year, but then something happened to change that. Fate stepped in the way.”

  My mind raced with every scenario possible that could’ve kept him here. Did he meet someone? Did something happen to Luke? He was upset, but I never thought of him as the type to try to hurt himself. I had no idea, and I couldn’t stop the questions long enough to pick one.

  “By the time I met you, I had no reason to stay any longer. But when you came along, you gave me a reason. I spent a few hours with you and never wanted to leave. That’s all that should matter.” He pushed his face closer to mine and kissed me softly, probably hoping that would stop my inquisition.

  “What about a job? How have you made money to support yourself here? It’s the middle of June. That’s almost eight months of no income. How do you pay for things? For your truck? Dinners you’ve taken me to? That bottle of Versace cologne you bought me?” Questions that had plagued my mind since meeting him began to pour out, the unknown suffocating me. It may have been rude to ask someone about their income, but I didn’t care. Theses were things I needed to know before I’d allow myself to give in.

  “I have money. You don’t need to worry about it.”

  “It just doesn’t make any sense. Nothing you say seems to add up.”

  “And it doesn’t need to. My parents are financially set for life. They’ve provided for me for a while, and it’s afforded me to have nice things. I’m not spoiled. I’ve worked hard to earn my own share, and learned to save from a very early age. I’m not rich, but I’m not poor. Money just has never been something I’ve ever had to worry about. I’ve been successful in work, and I’m smart when it comes to saving.”

  I could tell by his curt response that finances weren’t a subject he enjoyed discussing. And I could understand that. But I thought it was a valid question wondering where his money came from. His answer would have to suffice since I had no way of knowing any different.

  “You’re deflecting, Sarah. What is it you really want to know? Ask me anything.”

  I nodded, knowing deep down inside that he was right. “What does your cousin have to say about me? I saw him pull you to the side tonight. What did he have to say?”

  Bentley smiled, his expression going soft as his eyes lit up. “Luke has this theory that you’ll hurt me. Now, before you get all upset about that, let me explain. He’s jaded. Your sister really did a number on him. Don’t try to deny that. You know as well as I do that there was a lot of heartache when that relationship fell apart. On top of that, he knows about your mom, and that you’re really hurting. He’s seen you out on the weekends. I’m trying to help you get past this tragedy, but he doesn’t see it that way. He thinks I’m on my way to falling head over heels for you, and you’ll leave me a broken mess. He’s only trying to protect my fragile heart.”

  “Do you think that?” I asked, ignoring the grin on his face, because to me, there was nothing funny about what he’d said. There was nothing humorous about any of this. And I’d started to wonder if everything that had happened thus far hadn’t even been the coincidence I’d once believed it to be.

  “Do I think you’ll hurt me? It’s always a possibility. But you have the same chances of being hurt by me as I do by you. It’s a chance we’re either willing to take or we aren’t.”

  I swallowed harshly, my heart hammering against my chest, threatening to break free. If it beat any faster, harder, I wouldn’t be surprised to find it on the floor at my feet. “Are you willing to take it?”

  “That depends. Are you willing to learn to live again? To love again? Because I’m willing to chance my heart getting broken if I know you’ll be okay in the end.”

  I grabbed the sides of his T-shirt and pulled myself closer to his body, letting his warmth devour me, consume me as it comforted and calmed me. “I don’t think you have to worry about me breaking your heart, Bentley.”

  “It’s pretty fragile.”

  I pressed my ear to his chest and closed my eyes. All surrounding noises faded away, leaving me with only the thumping of his heart filling my ears, filling me until my own pulse slowed to match his. “Sounds strong to me.”

  “That’s because of you. You do that to me. You calm me and make my heart beat strongly.”

  I kissed the soft spot over his heartbeat and pulled away enough to focus on his dark-green eyes. They burned with a hidden emotion that I so desperately wanted to know. But I didn’t have to know what it was, because I felt it. “Will you stay with me? Tonight? Here?”

  “I’ll stay anywhere you want me to be, Sarah.”

  My chest constricted, knowing without a doubt that he’d meant those words. “You don’t mind me attaching myself to you for however long I need to? Leaning on you? Relying on you? You won’t find me needy and annoying?”

  He licked his lips and then took my hand in his, pulling it to the center of his chest. “You’ve been imbedded in here longer than you realize. I had a broken heart before you, and it’s because of you it beats again. So it doesn’t matter what you need from me, because I’m already yours. I owe you more than you’ll ever know.”

  I had something to say to that, but my words caught in my throat, forming a lump and manifesting themselves into the warm tears that streaked down my face. If only he knew how wrong he was. How completely backward he had it all.

  He was the one saving me.

  Not the other way around.

  Bentley and I spent the next two weeks together. I went to work, and then he’d come over once I got home. Every free moment was spent talking about our lives while ignoring the rest of the world. We were immersed in our own cocoon, and I’d never been happier.

  I’d wanted to talk to Clari about the things Bentley had told me regarding her relationship with Luke, but I needed more time before I did that. I didn’t want whatever she had to say to affect things
with Bentley. We were new, fragile, and I wanted to focus on that for the time being. But I knew I couldn’t ignore it forever. My dad decided to have a barbecue the day before for the Fourth of July, and we would all be there together, meaning I wouldn’t be able to avoid the situation for long.

  But things with Bentley were going really well. I’d only seen Luke twice since I found him outside the bathroom that night, and both times were very quick and extremely awkward. Something still wasn’t quite right there, but I had nothing to go on other than a feeling. My sister had broken his heart, and I had to assume that was the reason for the awkwardness.

  Luke had been part of my family for a long time. He and Clarissa were in a serious relationship for a couple years, and I’d grown fond of him during that time. But like most things that involve others, you never know the entire situation.

  They’d broken up at the beginning of last year, right after Valentine’s Day. Bree and I had been living together at the time, and Clarissa still lived at home with our parents. She was almost done with college and ready to start planning her future. I remembered her coming to me, telling me she loved Luke, but didn’t know if she wanted to stay with him. Her reasons were that he hadn’t shown any interest in marrying her or starting a life together any time soon. I’d told her she was still young and didn’t need to rush anything, but she wouldn’t listen. Clarissa had always been the one of us girls that wanted to be married young and start having babies before she grew too old to enjoy them. I understood that, but didn’t agree with her need to put time restrictions on life and love.

  Clarissa felt that since they’d been together for two years, and she was almost done with school—Luke being quite a few years older than her and out of school—he had no reason to wait any longer. She wanted to move in with him after graduation, but wanted a ring on her finger before they took that step. She always said that if you move in with a guy before getting engaged, he would have no reason to take the plunge. She was so naïve. So she waited until Valentine’s Day to see if he’d say anything. Apparently, she’d brought up the subject of graduation and threw out the question of where things might go after that. She called me the next morning in tears, crying about how she couldn’t stay with him any longer. I guess his vague answers left her defeated.

  After hearing Luke’s version of the events—through Bentley—things started to make more sense. He clearly wouldn’t have given anything away if he already had something planned.

  Those thoughts circled my mind over the last two weeks. It made me think about Bentley’s explanation of fate and circumstance. Clari ended up marrying Joel, meeting him in the early summer after graduation. They ended up working together and hitting it off right away. Things became very serious very fast, and their engagement at the end of the summer took us all by surprise. Then again, it was Clarissa, and if anyone knew what they wanted, it was her.

  I hoped for her sake that Joel was her fate, and Luke was only her circumstance. But I guess one never knows until the end. And that thought had me slightly worried. I wanted to know the certainties of things. The reason why my mom was taken from me so soon…without getting a chance to say goodbye. Why Bentley showed up in my life, and where things would end up with him. I tried to take the advice I’d given my sister, telling myself that I only need to take my time and things would become clear, but it was so hard to do when so many unanswered questions surrounded me, sometimes suffocating me.

  “You seem far away. What’s going on in that head of yours?” Bentley grabbed my hand from across the table, catching my attention.

  I blinked a few times, becoming aware that I’d spaced out in the middle of dinner. I squeezed his hand and gave him a smile, hoping it’d settle him some, and then took another bite of the chicken he grilled.

  “Something you want to talk about?”

  I shook my head and then swallowed. After a drink of my Coke, I said, “It’s nothing. I was just thinking about the barbecue tomorrow. I haven’t seen my dad in a while, and this is the first family gathering since Mom died…I’m just a little worried about him.”

  It hadn’t been a lie, considering I did worry about my dad, and it had been a while since we’d all been together. But that hadn’t been why I spaced out. And then once my mind wrapped around the idea that I would be going to his house, the same house my mother died in, it set an aching burn in the pit of my stomach that traveled up my chest. I’d been so consumed with Bentley and the facts surrounding my sister and Luke that it hadn’t even fully set in where I’d be tomorrow. I had to swallow down the increasing panic before Bentley noticed, questioning the truth about my thoughts.

  “I’m sure he’s fine. You know him better than I do, but I would assume he wouldn’t make plans if he wasn’t up to it. I’m sure he will just be happy to have everyone together again.”

  “I know. I just worry about him.”

  “Then maybe you should make a plan to see him more. Death does things to people. Sometimes it tightens the bonds, and other times it puts distance between them. That’s never a good thing. When you have too much time and space between family, the few times you get together tend to revolve around sadness instead of celebration. Then, when you all see each other, it’s just another reminder of the ones you’ve lost. Whereas, if you come together for celebrations, holidays, random times just to see everyone, then the weight of death and loss isn’t there. It’s easier to be happy around each other.”

  I pulled in a deep breath and let it out in a heavy sigh, needing the extra moment to pull myself together. His words were so strong, so hard to hear, yet so true that it caused a pain in my chest. I’d allowed my whole life to revolve around death and loss, leaving nearly no room for happiness. Even the small aspects of life that I’d assumed to be happy were nothing but pretend and make-believe. My sisters had tried so many times to get me to be around them, to be a part of Bree’s wedding plans—a happy occasion—yet I’d chosen not to. What would my life be like right now had I chosen to celebrate with them instead of wallowing in my own sorrow?

  “Well, hopefully this weekend will be the first of many,” I said with a shaky voice, the emotion so strong I couldn’t hide it. “I need to talk to Clarissa before we get there, though. I don’t really want to surprise her by showing up with you.”

  “I think you should talk to her, because you seem to need the truth. But I honestly don’t think there will be an issue with me. I’ve never met her before, and wouldn’t be surprised if she has no idea who I am.”

  “I’m not keeping this a secret from my sister, Bentley.”

  “That’s not what I’m suggesting. All I’m saying, is you should talk to her because you want to. Because you want answers. Not because I’ll be there and you think it’ll be awkward.” He put his fork down and pressed his elbows on the kitchen table, leveling his eyes with mine. “You have kinda made it a habit of forming these excuses to do things. But you don’t need them. What you need is to be honest with yourself about why you want to do these things.”

  “Like what?” I grew defensive as he sat there and studied me, leaving me feeling like a therapy patient. That didn’t sit well with me. I appreciated the way he’d helped me start the healing process over the last two weeks, and how he’d somehow given me my smile and laughter back, but I didn’t care for the way he analyzed me like some lab rat. He knew me better than anyone, but he didn’t need to shove that fact down my throat in order to make me come around. I’d already come around.

  Bentley shrugged and sat back in his seat, aware of my agitated reaction to his accusation. “You push your family away because you think they are moving on together and leaving you behind. I think if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll realize that’s not true. You pushed them away because you weren’t ready to move on…and that is okay.”

  My shoulders slumped as my attention moved from his narrowed gaze and pinched brow, to the plate of food in front of me. His words swirled in my head and left me dizzy. “You’re r
ight. Everything I’ve done is nothing but pathetic excuses. Except I don’t know how to admit what I’m really feeling about it all.”

  “Try. Give me something. Tell me one of your excuses and let’s try to figure it out. You don’t have to do this alone, Sarah. I’m here. I’ve been here every day for two weeks, and I have no intention of going anywhere.”

  My gaze met his from across the table, my heart stopping and oxygen leaving my lungs. That was the first time I’d heard him say those words, and they knotted and twisted my stomach. “You’re not going anywhere? As in…you’re not going back home?”

  His eyes closed and he slowly shook his head. But then he stopped and stared at me with such intensity I felt it clear to my toes. It chilled my entire body and lit a blazing fire deep inside at the same time. “I don’t know the future, Sarah. I know that I’ll eventually have to go home. I have a house and a family. I’m going to need to get back to work in whatever capacity I can at this point—after being gone for so long. But I’ve told you that if we’re willing to see where this goes, I’ll give it my all.”

  “I just hate not knowing what this is or where it’s going. I don’t need a promise of forever, or a proposal or anything like that. But I would like to know if we’ll at least live in the same state. It makes it hard to let go all the way with you when I’m constantly worried that you’ll move away.”

  Bentley stood from his seat and walked around the table. He kneeled next to my chair as he took my hands in his. “I promise, Sarah, that I’ll do right by you. Okay? If and when we ever get to that place where I must decide to stay or go, I’ll do right by you. But much like your fears, I don’t want to give up my life back home—my house or family—when there’s still the possibility that you’ll push me away.”