Hindsight Read online

  I stood in front of him, waiting for some kind of sign from him to direct my next move. I couldn’t read his face and immediately felt the guilt at what I had been doing eat at me from the inside out. I needed to regain my composure before I gave myself away.

  “Your hair looks good. Do you like it?”

  No, Tony, I hate it. I loved my hair the way it was before you maliciously hacked it all off, leaving me with nothing left. But I didn’t say that, no matter how much the words tried to claw their way out of my mouth. Instead, I smiled and said, “Yes. She did a really good job.” I waited for him to say something else and when he didn’t, I added, “Do you like it?”

  I didn’t really care if he liked it or not. Even if I didn’t like it, or that the thought of my hair being gone sent an enormous amount of pain through me, the only thing that mattered was that Sean loved it. And he told me so over and over again as he cradled me in his arms. I knew in my heart that Sean would love me no matter what.

  Tony finally smiled. “Yes, I like it very much. I should have forced you to cut it long ago. The only thing I’ll miss is the ability to grab a hold of you from across the room when your mouth gets a little to smart for your own good.”

  Thanks, Tony. Good to know you can still send a threat my way at a time like this. Douche bag.

  “So where all did you go? I know it didn’t take that long to get a hair cut.”

  I took a deep breath to settle the nerves that ran through me. “Since I didn’t have an appointment, I had to wait for one of the stylists to finish with her client.”

  “And you couldn’t have let me know?”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it had been that long. I was looking through their magazines and must’ve lost track of time. Plus, it took her a while to cut it and style it and I couldn’t use my phone while I was in the chair. It was in my purse on the floor.”

  “I talked to Sean,” he said, glaring at me as I stood motionless in place.

  I knew he was looking for a reaction, but I didn’t give him one. It wasn’t news to me anymore. I knew what they had talked about so I would know if he was giving me any bullshit. “That’s good. What did he have to say?”

  Tony seemed to relax a bit with my nonchalant response. “Listen, Char. I’m sorry I accused you of having an affair with him. I know now that you’re not. I guess I just can’t get over that time in the restaurant.”

  I blew out a puff of air and sat down next to him on the couch. “I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again, Tony, I cannot control who flirts with me. I can only control how I react to it. And you were there, you know I didn’t flirt back. You know that I didn’t give him any indication that I was interested. You can’t trust everyone. You can only trust me. That’s all you can do.” I wanted to soak my tongue in acid after saying that. It was something you say to comfort a loved one. I didn’t care to comfort Tony, but I knew I had to if I wanted to stay safe for the time being.

  He turned to me and smiled. “I know. I just can’t help feeling like one of these days you’ll look at another man and wonder what life would be like with him instead of me. What life would be like with a man that doesn’t get angry and hurt you.”

  I felt like I had just suffered from whiplash. He was angry when I had left that morning for the salon, condescending when I had come home, and there he was, sitting in front of me acting regretful over his actions. I couldn’t even begin to gather myself before he spoke again.

  “I’m sorry, Char.” And with that, he got up and walked away, ignoring me for the rest of the day.

  October 27th, 2014

  My brain had been in a fog since Sean had come to my house to save me yet again. The things we had talked about, the kisses we had shared had my mind bouncing around like a ping pong ball in the middle of a tournament. I didn’t know which way was up anymore.

  He had me thinking about a lot. A lot of things I didn’t want to think about because it would make me a bad person, even worse than I already was after the kisses we shared. I had never even looked at a man twice since being with Tony, and there I was, kissing his best friend on our couch in our living room. If that didn’t make me a horrible human being then the thoughts that I had been left with since then certainly did.

  I had always found Sean attractive, anyone with even one semi working eye would have. He had the looks to make women melt and men jealous. But on top of that, he had the best personality. Ever since I had started confiding in him, I had started seeing a different side of him. He was caring, loyal, and loving. At some point over the time since he had come to my corner, I had grown real feelings for him. Strong feelings. Love. But I couldn’t tell him that. I was married to his best friend and no amount of kissing behind Tony’s back would change that one fact.

  But aside from having my brain twisted with my feelings for Sean, he had unknowingly put a thought in my head. I needed to leave Tony. I had always known that if I didn’t get out, I would end up in a body bag at the morgue with no one there to claim me. But it wasn’t until I had felt Sean’s lips on mine, his arms around me, and the emotions in his eyes when he had come to my rescue yet again that I knew I had to really do something about it.

  That’s when I had come up with a plan to return some of my purchases from the month prior. I knew I had clothes in my closet with the tags still on since I hadn’t been able to go anywhere with my injured knee. I had been wracking my brain with something I could do to obtain money without Tony finding out. It was the only thing I could think of and I was desperate.

  While trying to figure something out, I remembered a time that I had been in one of the department stores I frequented when someone came in to return something. I had been trying on shoes within listening distance of the register and I had heard their entire conversation. Remembering that day had made the light bulb in my brain shine bright.

  The woman had returned items but her credit card that she used to purchase the items now held a zero balance. The clerk had said she didn’t know what to do in that instance, so she had to call for her manager.

  The manager had then explained that either they could give her a credit on her department store credit card, or they could administer her refund in cash.

  Tony paid off our bills the first week of every month, so I knew the balance on the card had been zero. Thankfully, I hadn’t had the time to do any shopping that month. With my knee keeping me home and thoughts of Sean keeping me busy, I hadn’t been able to get any retail therapy done. Luck was in my corner then.

  I pulled out the clothes with the tags still attached from the closet and then got ready. I added up the purchases in my head countless times before I was finally ready to execute my plan. If my calculations were accurate, I should receive over three hundred dollars for my return in that one day alone. If that worked, and I could continue to do it at other stores, and in future months, I would’ve been able to save up a decent amount of money in no time. I knew I had to start small, though, not needing to be too greedy on my first attempt in case it didn’t work out as planned.

  I even had a plan for where I would hide the money once I received it. I had bought a tin can, almost like something a child would use as a very small lunch pail, and held onto it for this particular reason. I hid it at the top of my closet where I knew Tony would never look, and planned to put my money safely inside, then bury it beneath my treasured rosebushes. Tony never touched my roses and would never think to look there—not that he had any reason to look for something buried in the back yard. He hated gardening and anything that included dirt. He never went within six feet of them. My money would be safe there.

  I let my mind wander at the countless things I could accomplish with my savings. First and foremost was leaving Tony and getting a place of my own. Sean had suggested on numerous occasions that I could live with him in one of his spare rooms, but I didn’t want that. I had never truly lived on my own, other than briefly after my parents had died, but I was in college with roommates
. I had never had a place of my own, to call my own, to do whatever I wanted with it. It was something I desperately craved. I also didn’t want to bring the wrath of Tony to Sean’s front door, and I knew that moving in with him would do just that. I had to do what was necessary in order to keep Sean safe.

  For the last week, my mind had been filled with daydreams of one day ending up in Sean’s house, hopefully with his ring on my finger, and even more hopeful of having his child in my womb. I knew there was a possibility that would never happen, and if it did, it would be far in the future. I didn’t need to think about things like that so soon, especially since other than a few stolen kisses while he nursed me back to health, I didn’t know how he really felt about me. I knew how I felt about him, but I hadn’t been able to admit that out loud yet.

  The only thing I needed to worry about at the moment was getting things together so that I could free myself of Tony. Since letting Sean in on my dirty little secret of being an abused wife, he had been quite persistent that I leave. And after feeling the way his lips felt on mine, I knew there was nothing I wanted more than to be rid of Tony so that I could feel more of Sean’s lips… and other things.

  I knew I needed enough for first and last month’s rent, living expenses, and a lawyer. If my plan to return my clothes worked, I wouldn’t really need to worry about that any longer. I knew with the prices of the clothes that I was returning, I would have enough for all of the above after making returns for only a couple months. No, what worried me was escaping Tony’s grasp. That was the hard part.

  I arrived at the department store and felt extremely nervous all of a sudden. I didn’t know why… I wasn’t stealing, at least from the store. I knew they wouldn’t care that I was stealing money from my husband. Their primary concern was making their customers happy.

  I tried to play that mantra over and over again in my brain as I marched with an air of confidence into the store. I was here to return something and they owed me a refund. I gave myself a pep talk all the way up to the counter.

  “Hello. How may I help you?” the perfectly groomed clerk behind the counter greeted me.

  I set my bag on the counter and cleared my throat nervously. “I need to return a few things,” I began. “I’ve never done this before, so I’m not sure what you’ll need.”

  “No problem, I’ll walk you through it,” the clerk offered. “I just need your original receipt and I’ll look the items up for you.

  She scanned my receipt and then hit a few buttons on the keyboard.

  As she scanned each of the three garments I was returning, I felt my heart thud behind my breastbone.

  “Looks like we owe you a refund, shall I just apply it to your credit card?” she asked as she handed me back my receipt marked with returned on it.

  “No, ah—” I looked around for help. “I, ah, I think my husband already paid that balance. What happens then?” I asked nonchalantly. I couldn’t believe how much I was freaking out about this. Why couldn’t I just be up front about it and ask for a refund? It was due to my broken spirit. I had been beat down and had zero confidence when it came to asking for anything.

  “Let me call for my manager,” the clerk replied.

  I started to sweat. I felt the beads of liquid start to gather on my upper lip and around my hairline. I quickly rubbed my upper lip and cursed the perspiration for showing up. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, anything at all. Yet I automatically felt like I was because of my lack of confidence.

  I stood by the counter and waited patiently while the clerk helped another woman ring up her purchases, then another woman finally approached us and I figured out that she must be the manager.

  “Shelly, I’ve never had a return like this,” she said apologetically. “I just need help ringing it through.”

  “Okay.” The manager looked at me wryly and showed the clerk which buttons to push in order to finish the transaction I was requesting.

  I don’t know why, but the manager was making me feel as if I were stealing. Maybe she wasn’t doing anything to make me feel that way. It was probably just my lack of confidence showing its ugly head once again.

  Sean was constantly telling me that I needed to start relaying positive messages in my head, instead of playing the old tapes that Tony was notorious for starting.

  “All done,” the manager said.

  I snapped my head up and shut off my thoughts. She handed me the cash and feeling the bills between my fingers made me feel giddy all of a sudden. It had really worked. My plan had really worked! I was elated as I walked through the exit doors of the store. I felt like I had a new lease on life. This meant so much more to me than money. This was my freedom. This was my way out, my way to get as far from Tony as possible. My ticket to what would be the rest of my life.

  I headed home and my only thought was getting the money into the can so I could bury it safely away. That was the final step. Once I had completed all of the steps in the process, I would feel so much better. At least that’s what I kept telling myself so that I would keep moving.

  But I didn’t make it home. I had received a text from Tony that he wouldn’t be home. That meant he was going to be with Laurie. Once the light I was sitting at had turned green, I noticed I was only two streets away from Sean’s house. Without thinking, I turned into his neighborhood, hoping he’d be home. I remembered that Wednesdays were his half-days at work and prayed that he had gone home once he was done at the office.

  His car was in his driveway and relief flooded my system. A second later, my nerves kicked in. I berated myself for being there, for just showing up after a long week of barely talking. He had sent me a few text messages, asking me how my knee was feeling, checking in on the help he had hired for me for the week. But aside from that, we hadn’t talked. Nor had he mentioned the few stolen moments we had shared on my couch.

  It was insane of me to just stop by unannounced. I was acting like the pathetic woman that clung to any attention from the opposite sex. What if he didn’t feel the same way I did? What if he rejected me and told me what happened the week before was a mistake? It was enough of a worry to make me limp back to my car before I ever reached his front door.

  But before I could even reach out for my door handle, I heard my name being called in question from behind me. I turned slowly, catching the sight of Sean in his dress clothes standing in his doorway. He looked at me with concern filling his perfect features.

  “What are you doing here? Is everything okay?” he asked as he began walking toward me. He didn’t let me answer as he came to stand in front of me, reaching out and holding on to my hands. “What’s going on?”

  I adjusted myself on my feet, needing to take the weight off my swollen knee. I had overdone it already and the throbbing sent an ache throughout my entire body. “I just wanted to talk to you.” I hesitated. “About last week.”

  His eyes turned from the normal amber color that I loved to a dull shade and it made me regret showing up unannounced like this. “Come on. Let’s get you in the house and off your knee. I’ll get you some ice,” he said as he helped in inside.

  I didn’t want to follow him, knowing I would be walking into my own heartache. But he didn’t give me any other choice as he dragged me along through the doorway, closing it behind us. I couldn’t believe how he could read me so well. He knew my knee was throbbing without me so much as saying anything. He could tell just from observation. Yet, Tony hadn’t even noticed. Sean set me up on the couch and placed a pillow beneath my knee to elevate it. A few moments later, he came back with a bag of ice wrapped in a kitchen towel. He placed in on my knee and then sat on the edge of the couch between my knees. His kindness touched me. No one was ever kind to me. But then his hand was on the top of my thigh, next to my hip bone, and I could feel my own reaction to it. All thoughts of reason escaped my head as thoughts of desire replaced them, desire for this beautiful, kind, generous man seated in front of me.

  “What is it you want to talk ab
out?” he asked. Worry was imprinted on his face and I felt an unexplainable pull toward him. I wanted to wrap him in my arms until the worry dissipated.

  If I didn’t just spit it out, I knew I would never be able to say it. So I took a deep breath and the words just came spilling out. I hoped that I wasn’t walking into my own rejection. But I needed to know how he felt. I couldn’t keep going on with thoughts of him taking over my every waking moment.

  “I can’t imagine my life without you in it, Sean. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since last week. Ever since our kiss, I haven’t been able to think about anything else. And it makes me feel like a bad person… it also makes me feel like I don’t care if it makes me a bad person because you… you make me feel better than I ever have before.”

  He shook his head, trying to figure out what I was babbling about. “I don’t understand, Char. I’m trying to figure out if this is a bad talk or a good talk. What is it? Are you regretting last week or no?”

  “Are you?” I threw the question back at him, not ready to answer it myself.

  He shook his head and looked away. “I’m not stupid enough to answer that question first. You’re the married one. You’re the one that pushed me away. The last thing I want is for you to push me so far away that we will no longer even be able to remain friends and then I can’t protect you. So tell me, Char. Do. You. Regret. It?”

  “I should…” I let it hang in the air, watching his head drop to his chest and his eyes close. “But I don’t.”

  His eyes snapped up to mine and his brows furrowed. “What does that mean?”

  It was my turn to shake my head as I stared right at him. “Not until you tell me if you regret it.”

  “Regret coming to your aid? No. Regret kissing you? Hell no. Regret leaving you there and not taking you home with me where I can protect you? Every fucking day. That is the only thing I regret.”