Hindsight Read online

  “Why have you been so quiet this past week?” I asked, needing to know. “I’ve hardly heard from you.”

  “I was worried you were going to tell me you couldn’t talk to me anymore. And maybe that makes me a pussy. Maybe that makes me less of a man and more of a coward, but I couldn’t risk hearing you tell me that I couldn’t be in your life. I will take you any way that I can. And if that means I can only be your friend and I have to keep my feelings to myself then that’s what I would have to do, but I couldn’t risk losing you.”

  My heart soared at his confession and I leaned into him, taking his lips with mine in a hungry, urgent kiss. My fingers found their way into his hair as his dug into the skin on my hips, careful of my knee that was propped up next to his body.

  Sean backed away and took a deep breath to steady his voice. “What does this mean, Char? And I want the truth. Complete honesty, okay? Don’t hold anything back. We’ve been holding back for a while now, and I don’t want to anymore.”

  “What feelings are you keeping to yourself?” I asked, speaking of his confession and wanting him to answer first.

  He shrugged. “The feelings I have for you.”

  “What feelings are those, Sean?” I pressed again.

  “Feelings of protecting you and keeping you safe, of wanting you with me every fucking minute of every single day. Feelings of needing to be with you.” He was going to say more but stopped himself. “What does this mean, Char?” he asked again, less patient this time. I had a feeling that if he had been standing, he would have started pacing.

  I swallowed hard, ready to say the words that had been eating at me for longer than I could remember. The words that had been taking over my life and letting me think of nothing else. “I am in love with you, Sean.” I gasped as soon as the words were out. I suddenly wished the words were like line on a fishing rod and I could simply reel them back in. Fear filled me, waiting for him to back away and tell me he didn’t feel the same. But I couldn’t have held them in any longer if I tried. If it was too much too soon, then it was the price I would have to pay for being honest with myself for the first time in my life.

  His hand came up to my face and gently caressed my cheek. There was no mistaking the look in his eyes. “Are you just saying that because you feel safe with me? I’m the one that saves you after he beats on you and I’m the one that makes you feel better. Are you feeling this way because of the role I’ve taken in your life?” he asked, and as I started to shake my head, he placed a finger over my lips to keep me from speaking. “Think about it, Char. Think long and hard because those feelings are confused all of the time. I need you to put a lot of thought into it before you give me your answer. Are you really in love with me or do you just feel that way because I am the safe one that comes to your rescue when you call?”

  I did think about it. I actually had thought about it for a long time. I already knew the answer, but decided to give it one last thought. He was the one I called every time I was hurt badly and couldn’t care for myself. He was the first one I thought of when Tony got mad. And when he crossed my mind, a smile instantly crossed my face. But was that love? Or was that because for the first time, I had gotten the undivided attention from a good man?

  I grabbed his hand and pulled his finger from my lips so I could talk. “You keep me safe, even when I’m anything but safe. You give me hope when in reality, all of my hope should have died years ago. You give me a sense of security I have never in my life felt before. You make me smile when I think about you, which is almost all the time. And there’s no one in the world I would rather be around than you. So if those are the wrong reasons to love someone, then everyone is doing it wrong. I know that you have succeeded in making me feel safer than anyone has ever made me feel before. Happier than I have ever been before. I trust you more than I have ever trusted another person. And I love you more than I have ever loved anyone else. I love you, Sean. I am in love with you and I think I always have been. You’ve made me realize that I have never been in love before you.”

  He didn’t speak, only leaned in and kissed me with such passion I felt it deep down to my toes. It was gentle yet firm. Soft yet possessive. And it told me everything he couldn’t in words. I knew he felt the same way about me just by the way he kissed me. I could honestly say that I had never been kissed that way in my life. No one could evoke feelings from me the way he could.

  “Make love to me, Sean. Please,” I begged against his lips.

  He shook his head but didn’t move away from me. “I can’t. Not with your leg like that. You’ll end up getting hurt and I don’t want to hurt you.”

  I touched his face and made him look me in the eyes. “I trust you. You won’t hurt me. I’ll be okay. I just need you to make love to me so that I can feel it. I need to feel what it’s like to be with someone that I love.”

  “Do you know what it’s like to make love with someone that loves you?” he asked and I shook my head, scared of what he’d say next. “Then by all means, let me show you.” And with that, he picked me up bridal style and carried me to his room, careful of my knee and the walls.

  He placed me on top of his bed gently and then moved between my legs, bringing his face to mine. Adrenaline had overtaken my body and left me shaking so violently I felt like a drowned rat.

  “What’s wrong?” Sean backed away. “We don’t have to do this?”

  “No!” I shouted, holding on to his shirt to keep him from moving away completely. “I’m just nervous. I’ve only ever been with one person and I’m feeling a little inadequate. I’m not scared and I don’t want to stop. I’m just feeling insecure right now. Please, don’t stop. I want this so much.”

  His lips turned up in the corners into a small smirk. “So no one has ever worshipped your body before?”

  I knew what he was getting at, knowing Tony had never done those kinds of things to me. I shook my head, answering him without bringing Tony into the bedroom. He had already invaded enough of our lives already; we didn’t need to bring him into this sacred place with us.

  His mouth began to make a trail down my neck as he removed my clothes, one piece at a time, slowly and carefully. He took his time worshipping me with his mouth and hands. Letting me know in great detail everything he loved about me. As soon as the quakes in my body began to subside, he then showed me with his body how much he loved me, keeping my leg pulled close to him to protect it.

  Slowly, gently, lovingly, he showed me his feelings with his hands, mouth, and body. He didn’t have to say the words, his actions told me everything I needed to know. He took his time, allowing me to take everything I needed, and gave it all to me.

  With our bodies still connected and him lying on top of me, holding himself up as best he could, we lay there, desperately trying to catch our breaths. His face was in the crook of my neck as he panted in my ear.

  “I love you so much, Charlotte. So fucking much. I can’t let you go after this. I can’t bear to watch you leave and go back to him. I want you. All of you. Forever.” He pushed back and looked me in the eyes, still breathing heavily. “Be mine, Charlotte. I need you. I love you. God, I fucking love you. Please, be mine.”

  I touched his face, missing the heat of his skin on mine. “I will be. I promise. We just took a pretty big step today, but it’s a step forward. In the right direction. You’ll be mine and I’ll be yours. It’s already happening. You already own my heart.”

  He pressed his lips to mine once more. “I’m holding you to that promise.”

  October 21st, 2014

  I was crying on the front porch while holding my aching face. Tony had shown his true colors once again and I had called Sean. It had become habit to call him now. He had become my biggest supporter, someone I now called a friend. He had always been Tony’s best friend, but now I felt like he was mine. It was accidental, but ever since the first time he had rushed to my aid, he had been in my corner.

  I didn’t feel bad in the least for stealing To
ny’s friend. I loved Sean. I just hadn’t told him yet. He hadn’t said it to me, either, although it was evident in his eyes. We were only friends, yet it felt like so much more. He was there for me when I needed him and when I wanted him. It left me longing to leave Tony just so I would have the chance to see where things could go with him. He was my best friend, my confidant, my protector.

  I sniffled and tried to stop blubbering like a baby. Tony was getting worse and worse. It used to be that when he’d hit me, months would go by before he touched me inappropriately again. Now, I was lucky if he allowed a week or two to pass. I would still have yellowing bruises when he’d inflict new marks on my skin. If it weren’t for that, who knows how long Sean or anyone else could have gone before questioning things. I knew it was only a matter of time before my “clumsiness” began to become extreme.

  I touched my upper arms where brownish fingerprints still marked my skin. On top of them were angry red marks that were already turning purple. I pulled myself up to go put on a shirt that covered my arms so Sean didn’t see them when he pulled into the driveway.

  I heard the car door slam and he ran toward me.

  “Charlotte,” he called out and his forehead was etched with worry.

  It made me want to hold and comfort him.

  He took me into a bear hug once he reached the porch and I immediately crumpled into his arms. The tears started to flow once again. It was our routine. Tony would hurt me bad enough where I was left with no other option than to call Sean, he would come running to me, dropping everything he was doing, and then would engulf me in his arms, making me feel safe and protected.

  “Oh my God, Charlotte. Your face!” he exclaimed in horror barely touching me with his fingertips and still making me wince in pain.

  I knew it was bad. I could actually feel my face swelling by the second. I could now hardly see out of my eye. Ironically so, it hadn’t been caused by his hands this time. I had fallen as I tried to escape him and tripped, running face first into the coffee table. Not that it still wasn’t his fault, but it wasn’t caused by his hands.

  “He was mad at me,” I said and the words came out so disjointed I couldn’t even understand them. “I don’t know why he gets so angry at me. I try so hard to do things the way that he wants them done. But it doesn’t matter what I do lately. Everything sets him off. Everything!” I sobbed recalling the miniscule fight that had escalated in a matter of seconds.

  Sean held me tight and whispered soothing words into my ear. “You need to calm down, Char. You’re just going to make yourself feel even sicker. Take some deep breaths. Let’s get you in the house,” he urged as he helped me up the front steps.

  I limped up the steps, my right leg was killing me. I had twisted my ankle when I had tripped as I tried to run away from him, and then he had made things worse when he kicked me in my kneecap. I had sworn I heard it pop.

  Sean sat me down on the sofa and started to assess my injuries. “Oh, Char. Your face. I’ve never seen it this bad. I’m calling the police!” he stated and got his cell phone out.

  “No!” I screamed. “Please, Sean. He’ll kill me. Don’t! You know how he is. He’ll never let me leave if you call the police. They can’t protect me. They have never been able to before and they can’t now. They’ll haul him in and then he will be released. Please, don’t call them.” All the memories of my father flooded back. The police had protected my father because he was one of them. My poor mother had never been afforded the help she deserved. Part of me still didn’t trust them.

  “I hate this! I want to fucking kill him, Char! He needs to pay for what he does to you. Why won’t you let me help you? We’ll call the police and you can come and stay with me. I’ll protect you.”

  “You know he’ll get out after a day or two and will be more pissed than ever. He’ll track me down and kill me. You know he will. He has friends in low places. There’s been someone following me. I feel it. I think he’s having me watched,” I ranted, barely taking in enough oxygen to get it all out as the tears were trailing down my cheeks again. I couldn’t believe I had any tears left. I had already been crying for over an hour.

  He sighed deeply and then hung his shoulders, letting his arms fall to his sides in defeat. “If I promise not to call the police, then you have to come up with a plan. With me. Both of us will come up with a plan to get you out. I’ll play your game, but you have to play by my rules. Deal?” Sean held out his palm.

  “Deal,” I finally said and shook his hand. When he took my hand in his, I felt a jolt of electricity. The chemistry between us was already palpable. I knew he felt it, too. It was just so wrong.

  Sean was Tony’s best friend. That realization sucked me back into reality. I took my hand back from his quickly, I couldn’t handle his touch for much longer. The line drawn in the sand between us was quickly blurring. Every time he came to my aid, it became smaller and smaller. I found it harder and harder to hide my feelings for him, and I worried what would happen if they became known. I didn’t want him to run away.

  “Sit back and let me look at you. You were limping. Where does it hurt?” He started to prod my knee and I groaned in agony. A deep throb ran through me and caused the sting of tears to resurface behind my eyes. I didn’t want to cry anymore. I just wanted it all to go away. Including my inappropriate feelings for my husband’s best friend. My best friend.

  “That really hurts, Sean. What if it’s broken?” I was worried this time. If I had to go to the hospital I would be forced to file something and they would know. Not only would they know, but they would arrest him. I had been through all of this before and didn’t want to go through it again. I had been warned already what would happen if I ever went to the hospital again and I wasn’t in a body bag.

  “What about here?” he asked as his fingers inched up my thigh and I groaned for another reason entirely. His hand left a trail of fire that started at my thigh and ran north, setting my nerves ablaze.

  “No, that area is fine.” I was wearing a skirt and feeling his fingers on my bare skin was too much. My emotions were raw and the tingling his hands caused was getting harder to ignore. Adrenaline was running rampant through me and I didn’t trust my own instincts if he continued to touch me that way.

  “So, it’s mainly your knee?” He was breathing harder and I knew he was suffering the same as I was. His voice was straining and he couldn’t look me in the eyes; he was either incredibly uncomfortable at having to touch me or he was being affected, too.

  “And my ankle,” I pointed. I needed him to get away from my thighs. I was slowly falling under the spell of his amber eyes and it was getting harder not to act on my feelings.

  He started to feel around my ankle. “Here?” he asked as he held my heel. He cradled it so gently I felt like crying all over again.

  I shook my head.

  “Here?” he asked and felt around my arch.

  I shook my head again.

  “Here?” he asked and felt around my actual ankle.

  I grabbed the lapels of his jacket and pulled him to me, pressing my lips to his is complete desperation. It wasn’t an innocent kiss that friends share. It was a passionate kiss that well versed lovers share. We were both equally responsible, for he was giving as much as I was. The intense strain between us immediately disappeared once our lips met. It was as if we were finally able to find release. The delivery of our kiss allowed us to let go of all the pent up sexual tension. But it also made us both want to continue and not end with a kiss.

  “Wait,” I gasped out and put my hand to his chest. “This is so wrong. Tony’s your friend.” Not only his friend, but his best friend. They had met during college and had gone through four years together. Then, when Tony had gone to law school, Sean had obtained his master’s degree in accounting. They had stayed friends through all of that. Now I was coming between them. I couldn’t do this.

  “Tony isn’t who he once was. He’s changed so much that I hardly recognize him. I don’
t even feel guilty for doing this. Look what he’s done. You’re another human being—his wife, whom he should treasure and love with every breath he takes. Instead, he uses you as his personal punching bag and treats you worse than an animal should be treated. No one deserves this, Char. No one!” He said the words with such empathy that they made my heart pound.

  He was right. I didn’t deserve to be treated this way. But did that make it okay to fuck his friend? No. It didn’t. My mom always used to tell me, two wrongs don’t make things right. I was now immersed in an inward battle between what I wanted and what I knew was right. I couldn’t do this.

  “I can’t do this, Sean.”

  He nodded his head, agreeing with me. “I know, but I don’t know how much longer I can sit back and watch him treat you like this. I’ll end up calling the police, kidnapping you, or killing him.”

  “That won’t be necessary. I’m going to leave him. We’re going to come up with a plan and I’m going to get away. We made a deal and we’re going to stick with it. I just need you to stick by me and help me through it. You understand, don’t you?”

  He nodded. “I understand. Let’s get you looked at then, shall we?” He continued looking at my ankle and asked me if it was hurting.

  “I think my ankle is going to be okay; it’s my knee that I’m worried about. When Tony kicked me, I felt it pop.”

  He sucked in air between his teeth and then hissed it out again. “I think I should go to the pharmacy and get you a knee brace. It will give me some time alone with my thoughts, too.”

  I looked at him and nodded.

  He went into the kitchen and came back with several icepacks and dishtowels. “Lay down,” he said gently.

  I tried to maneuver on the couch so that my knee didn’t have to move. The slightest movement sent shooting pains up my thigh. I groaned as I got into position. He laid one of the icepacks over my knee and it made me sit straight up.